Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
