Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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