OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
