The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
