If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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