just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
my being single is dangerous.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
