Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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