Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
