We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
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I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
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Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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