i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
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