how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You have to summon your inner elephant
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
