when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
