Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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