So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
