i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
