if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
If that was your dad, he is hot
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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