He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
