that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
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