Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
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