How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
