i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
