it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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