I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
