There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
