Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
