Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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