made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
