Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
