DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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