I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
