Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
