Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
