I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
