Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
