JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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