I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
In other news, I just burned my penis
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
