The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
