the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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