:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
