Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
