I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
