It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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