I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
