One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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