saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
