i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
