Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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