nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
