I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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