Where did you get a picture of my penis
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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