New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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