i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
