Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Couch. On fire.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
