remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
