I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
