Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
