i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
